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THE DOUGLAS DIARIES
Written Bishop Quaker with contributions from Hilly_2002 and Shrewsbury Exile.
The 'commiserably fantastical' story of the Darlo Fans who followed the Quakers to the Isle of Man this summer.
Ask various people what they think of when they hear "Isle of Man" and they'll probably mention tail-less cats, a dodgy 3 legged thing and motorbikes. You'd be most surprised if they blurted out "A highly acclaimed international football festival". Featuring an international line up of teams from Wales, England and of course the Isle of Man - Countries galore you might say.
As it is to be expected through the mass publishing of this event Darlo fans would follow their team in such a prestigious event and these are the recollections of three of us, Bishop Quaker, Shrewsbury Exile (Dave) and Hilly_2002.
Day 1
Hilly + Bish set off from Darlo on the National Express bound for the Liverpool. A journey never to be forgotten. Apart from the complimentary screaming child which you'd love to slam their head in a hostess trolly we had to listen to the rantings of two higly irritating smoggy bints. Their 3 hour conversation consisted of falling over chairs in posh restaurants whilst drunk, Ford Ka's and Osama Bin Laden. Conversation which those of you who frequent the south terrace would find absolutely spellbinding.
However on our voyage to the world of Scouse we spotted a highly appetising 'Ming Yuk Chippy' in Manchester and a pub in Liverpool boasting a 'Resident Midget' and you thought you had it bad in Darlo.
After a ferry crossing with the Darlo team (nice) we arrived in Douglas 2 hours late. (not nice). I think I'll write to the trading standards committee because there was nothing 'Super' about this Seacat. However in Douglas we picked up two Luton fans who happened to be staying in the same place as us and trudged along the promenade now accompanied by Dave (S.E.) who met us at the ferry terminal.
Day 2
After Hilly forgot to turn his alarm clock on (he set it but neglected to see if it was switched on) the Darlo Crew set out bleary eyed down 4 flights of stairs to breakfast and then a trip to see what Douglas on a Sunday had to offer. After a visit to Woolies and a purchase of a 'Penny Floater' the Crew hit the beach. We first attempted to play with a small leather one (Bud(wiser) Ball) but that was about as effective as Clint Marcelle would be in goal. Or Clint Marcelle anywhere come to that.
For the unaware, Penny Floater football is the most random and unpredictable football in the world. This is the reason we spent most of the day in extreme heat and jeans chasing this sodding ball around the sands of Douglas after a light tap pass turned into a 40 yard screamer.
However, the undisputed highlight of the day came at the electric tram terminal where we made a bargain purchase of an 'All day travel card' which was valid for every form of public transport for only 8:50. We used it for a 300 yard horse tram ride and still got back later than our stalking Luton fans who walked (The infamous Caroline and Pip). They then "kindly" informed us that for 6 we could get a coach which took us from Douglas promenade to Ramsey stadium and brought us back.
Bye bye 2 rounds of drinks. All for a sodding horse ride.
Incidentally, for match reports see http://thequakers.20m.com
Day 3
We discovered a fantastical shop which made official "International Football Tournament T-shirts" and we decided we couldn't pass off this great opportunity and we got some. The shirts themselves are black polo shirts (for Darlo) with Isle of Man international fooball tournament 2002 with a logo and Darlington written under neath. For a few quid you could get a name and number stuck on the back too.
After getting the shirts we got a bite to eat. Dave (S.E.) was paid £17 to eat a hot dog due to a clerical error. God knows how the lass got his change that wrong. He gave her £10 and got £17 back.
Madness. The jammy sod then went next door and successfully cleaned out a 10p machine by getting King Tut's Treasure 3 times. Arse.
We then attempted to ride a sheep. No it's not as bad as it sounds. On Manx TT Superbike there was a piece of paper stuck next to the machine telling you how to ride a sheep. Obviously there are no laws against that on the IOM. We then had a night out. Well we went out for a bit visited 2 pubs and decided the bar in our guest house was a better option.
The first put we went into was ok if you like drinking your pint in a sauna with a load of sweaty blokes.
The second pub was a real class joint. I mean there were TV's on the bar pumps! Yes friends on the BAR PUMPS! Magical. So after sitting watching Sky Sports news on a massive projected screen we were having a laugh. But then it got weird.
This piss head decided it would be amusing to ruffle Hilly's hair and then proseed to give him a fake hair cut which culminated in him using an ash tray to show hilly the back of his head.
If that wasn't enough he then proceeded to stick two fags in his mouth, pretend to be a vampire and attempted to eat Bishop Quaker. So we left their pretty quickly as he was sizing up the Luton lasses to see what hilarious thing he could do to them with a bottle of WKD blue and an ahstray.
Day 4
Today we decided to check out the many attractions the I.O.M. held. No we didn't pay a visit to the Retirement home for old horses. We do have standards as Darlo fans y'know!
So we went to Onchan Pleasure Park.
We tried the crazy golf which was reasonably entertaining. Dave successfully managed to hit his ball off the obstruction in the course and into the boating lake. We knew from then that his golfing abilities were a force to be reckoned with. So after seeing a little kid nail his brother in the head with a putter we decided it was time for pitch and put. Not necessarily a good idea if you weren't playing with us as you had a good chance of being killed. Dave nearly templed an Old woman with a "power drive" with a pitcher and almost wiped out a family of 3 with a putter shot.
The best thing about that place was the lass in the snack bar thing. She was damn fine. One of our party was so spell bound he asked for a 'bottle of cake' and then hastily corrected himself.
On returning to our room and waching some TV hilly realised he couldn't find his wallet. Not surprising considering our room looked like it had been designed by Tracey Emin! Anyway after turning our room inside out and having a mass cleaning up mission we still couldn't find it. On returning to the arcade someone had handed it in.
On discovering that Douglas has 2 cinemas, (admittedly one has 1 screen and the other has 2 but that still counts as 2!), we decided that Scooby Doo wasn't for us so we decided to check out Spiderman. To sum it up in 1 sentence, 'Good film but unconvincing ending which set it up nicely for a sequel'. We then headed back to the bar to chat to the psychic medium from Ferry hill and the weird old bloke who played the harmonica just sat there with a pint which was collecting dust.
One of our party (yes the same one as before) decided to try a pint of the local beer by the name of Okell's Ale. That pint came back with vengeance at around 2:30am. Nowt else did. Just that pint. What does that tell you about the I.O.M. local tipple then?
Day 5
After discovering Austin Power 3 was on a day early in a late showing (10:15pm) we decided to get the tickets for that and then go bowling with the Wrexham posse. 5 games for a fiver seemed like a good but by game 4 we were bored. We all then decided to go on a mad run into the sea later that day even though it was the coldest day we had and B.Q. sliced his toe on our room key. But with newly bought sandles the lads moshed on into the Irish sea apart from Si of the Wrexham crew who stood on the shore with a camera and a look of maddening superiority!
For lunch the Darlo posse decided to try and find the 'Rovers Return'. We thought it was a leg pull by Scouse Bloke Dave the barman in the hotel but we found it and discovered it wasn't a Coronation Street pisstake. No, it was a pub set up by a Blackburn 'Rovers' supporter. This pub boasted on a sign outside 'Real Ale, Real Fire, Real Pub'. Well it's hardly going to be a virtual reality pub now is it.
On a look round the place we noticed a piece of graffiti which was too perfect to leave out, plus it summarised the feelings of our local beer sampling friend
"When my girl left me I thought the bottom had fallen out of my world,
but then I sampled Okells ale and the world fell out of my bottom."
Classic. After getting one of their personal bar towels and a pub lunch we decided to get something tacky and placky for the folks back home.
Carrying our purchases we trudged back up to the hotel to find the Wrexham fans. After a bit more arseing about in the arcade and Dave reimbursing himself for the two films by cleaning out the 10p machine yet again we set off to watch AP3, which we all thought was well worth the hype and was absolutely bloody hilarious.
Day 6 finally came and it was time for the Darlo crew to bid fairwell to the Isle of Man. If we get asked back next year, which will be extremely likely considering we reached the final no doubt the Darlo Posse will be there. Hopefully we can encourage more to come by this report.
Hope to see you all there next year.
Chris "Bishop Quaker" Swinton
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